What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Why is it that when you talk to God it's called "prayer," but when God
talks to you it's called "schizophrenia?"

Little boy: Mum, why does daddy have two willies?
Mum: Daddy hasn't got two willies.
Little boy: I've seen them.
Mum: Of course you haven't.
Little boy: He has, he uses the small one for doing a wee and the big one
for cleaning the au pair's teeth.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairytales?
White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....."; Black fairytales
starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic!

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years
of age.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what
they shoot.

Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What do you get when you cross two Black people?
Your ass kicked!


How do you tell if a chick's to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

What's the difference between Mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at thirty miles an hour.

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?
When the sergeant said "Get down!" they got up and started dancing.

Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.

Bumper Sticker:
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

Why did god give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and
young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water
and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at
Fthr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever
he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old
nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath
had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily.
"I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked
the old nun.

Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked
me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided
my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord
keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fthr. John said that if
the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven
would be opened to me and I would be assured of
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John
guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fthr. John said the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that the
glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me
it was Gabrielle's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40
years!"

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12
times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to
be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at
least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked
his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent
our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be
great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me
documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system
up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,
'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that
he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be
able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the
basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and
design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments
were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that
he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how
to do it

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the
product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was
talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do
was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed

A man was walking across the road with his wife when he was involved
in an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be
comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her
hands and said meaningfully "You have always been by my side. When I
was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And
sometimes, even my re-writes as well. You were there beside me,
encouraging me to go on
trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside
me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."

He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got
to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And
you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time.
But I
never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As
such, remained in the same position from the day I joined the company
till now...

And you were still beside me..."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband "And now I
had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...".
There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion.
He said, "I think you bring me bad luck ... now fuck off"

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern
washed up on the shore.

She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and
because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of
that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money,
because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the
money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles,
though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles
removed."

Poof! . . . . And just like that...... her ears were gone.

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He's four years old.

He was bugging his mother one day, so she said to Jimmy,
"Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders
work on the house? Maybe you will learn something."

He was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother
asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replies: "Well, first you put the God damn door up.
then, the son of a bitch don't fit. So you have to take
the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair
off each side and put the mother fucker back up."

Jimmy's mother said "wait until your father gets home." Father
got home and mother told him to ask Jimmy what he learned today.
Jimmy told him the story and father told him to go outside and
get him a switch.

Jimmy replied, "F___ you, that's the electrician's job." >>

T-SHIRTS

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On
her chest she has a huge red "H." The doctor asks,"How did you get
that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes
to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his
sweatshirt, even when we're making love."

So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes
off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest.

The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the
girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making
love."

The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off
her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks,
"Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies,

"No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin.

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows
and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local
grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same
trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick." "How did you get
it fixed?" "Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed
it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to
the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the
cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a
rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. That night, he gets
into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his
mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina
and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and
gets a rip-roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,.... "Darling. Look
at THIS!!!" "She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you
woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a
nosebleed?"

A Teacher asks her class to use the word -contagious-.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.
Well done, Roland- says the teacher.
Can anyone else try ?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,

My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.
Well done, Katie- says the teacher.
Anyone else?-
Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says,
Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush
and my Dad says it will take the contagious!

HELL
A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was
told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered three
choices
of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year
cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin. So the Devil
took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and
was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was
where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms
and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined
this form of torture.
The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very
beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him.
The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he
wanted. The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years!

The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted. So the
Devil walked over to the young woman and said " You can go now. I have
found your replacement"

HELL2This guy dies and finds himself in hell. He is wallowing in despair when he
has his first meeting with a demon......

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a
Drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is
drink. Whisky, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab
and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no
biggie
you're dead anyway, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...If you go bankrupt...well you're
dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl
of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all
the drugs you want and if ya overdose-that's right-you're dead who
cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....
Demon: Ooooh you're gonna hate Fridays.

ILL SOLDIER
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers goes up to
one private and asks
What's your problem Soldier
Chronic syphilis Sir
What treatment are you getting
Five minutes with the wire brush each day
What's your ambition
To get back to the front Sir
Good man says the Major

He goes to the next bed
What's your problem Soldier
Chronic piles Sir
What treatment are you getting
Five minutes with the wire brush each day
What's your ambition
To get back to the front Sir
Good man says the Major

He goes to the next bed
What's your problem Soldier
Chronic gum disease Sir
What treatment are you getting
Five minutes with the wire brush each day
What's your ambition
To get the wire brush before the other two Sir



CHEAP F**CK
This guy walks into a whore house and goes up to the lady at the
front desk. "What can I get for a buck" he says
She looks at him and says "Go to the last room at the end of the
hall and we'll have a girl waiting for you".
So he heads on down the hall and goes into the last room there is.
Low and behold sitting spread-eagle naked on the bed is this
beautiful blonde just waiting Without further ado the guy drops his
pants and
starts going to town He's working her over with everything he's
got thinking of how good a bargain it was even though she was being kinda
quiet. He keeps going and then he has one of the greatest orgasms of his
life
but right as he finishes white stuff starts coming out of her nose her
mouth
and her ears. Well the guys freaks out and goes flying out of the room and
back to the
front desk while putting his clothes back on He starts yelling until
the lady comes up to the front desk Then he tells her how all of
that white stuff was spurting out of the girl he was getting it on with
Hearing this the lady at the front desk turns to the door
behind her and yells
"Herb. The dead one's full again!"

WORLD LEADERS
Subject: World Leaders


It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8
to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every
evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??


scroll down






Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

This makes Slick Willie look pretty good....not really!

Kind of Scary ... ?

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a
mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to find the
farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So the chicken drives the
farmer's BMW 328 back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the
bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and
drives forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and this time the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken
yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse
said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So the horse stretched over
the width of the mud hole and said "Grab my 'dick' and pull yourself
up". The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
BMW to pick up chicks.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about
his skills as a hunter.The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one
could dispute that.But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate
the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to
shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a
heated >argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing
to prove it if they would put up the drinks and the bet was on. They
blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced. "Springbok". Then he felt
for the bullet hole and declared. "And shot with a .22 riffle". The
others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument
was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must
have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put
up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another
round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time,
and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his
car. He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and
fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was
right again.
This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove
his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, pissed out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of
a shiner. So he said to his wife. 'Listen I know I was drunk last
night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that
bar. So where did I get this black eye?" And his wife replied angrily.

"From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" He asked.

She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone:
"Skunk, killed with an axe".

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble
getting an
erection, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis
are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're
willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the
muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his
legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.

His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a
sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so,
but I don't think I can fit another bread roll up my arse !"