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Humour Humorous clips, and the odd joke |
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Humour Humorous clips, and the odd joke |
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General Humour
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down
on a stool and tells everyone in the bar
that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in
the world.
He hears everyone in the
crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.
So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus
can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up.
So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than
Dizzie Gillespie.
So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes.
He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down
with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon
as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
This old
Scottish guy was sitting
in a local pub having a chat with this young lad at the bar with him, he turns
to look outside, then turns to the lad and says:
"You see that boat out there lad? I built that boat,blood sweat and tears, do
you'd think I would be known as 'MacGregor the Boat builder', but nooo..."
He turns and looks back out the window and pokes the lad in the arm and says:
"You see that dock out there lad? I built that dock! Took me weeks, you think
I'm known as 'MacGregor the Dock Builder'? Noooo..."
He took another swig of ale and nudged the lad again.
"Look at this bar...beauty ain't she? I built this bar with my bare hands.
You'd think I'd be known as 'MacGregor the Bar Builder', but nooo..."
The poor lad didn't know what to say, he just sat silent and waited for the
old guy to speak again,when finally he did: "Yup...all that hard work and no
recognition for any of it" he said.
Then he looked around to see if anyone else could hear and whispered to the
lad:
"But ya screw one goat...."
I, the Penis, hereby request
a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything
I do I do not get weekends or public holidays off I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace with poor ventilation I
work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Thanks for your time and consideration, Mr. Penis
Dear Mr.Penis, After assessing
your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight
you fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow
the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position,
and often visit other areas You do not take initiative -you need to be pressured
and stimulated In order to start working .You leave the workplace rather messy
at the end of your shift .You do not always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the right protective clothing You are unable to work double
shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and
leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags...
Sincerely, The Management
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
A student of proctology is in the hospital one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a sedated patient is lying face down. He pulls down the sheet and to his surprise he finds a cork in the patients rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...I just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the nurse over. Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the nurse as he pulls the cork back out again. "On the road again...I just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the nurse replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the nurse, "Any asshole can sing country music."
A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d ick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said "Turn around!!'"
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that they should collect wood to be prepared. But, also being a practical leader, he went to the phone booth and called the National Weather Service. "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" he asked. "It look s like winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. One week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "One of the coldest ever." "How can you be so sure?", the Chief asked. "Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
Three old friends passed away together in an accident and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter said, "We have only one rule here in Heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven and, sure enough, there were ducks all over the pace. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, one of the friends accidentally stepped on one. Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second friend accidentally stepped on a duck and along came St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as for the first friend. The third friend observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very, VERY careful where he stepped. He managed to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word. The man asked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The women replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
A newly wed couple go back
to the honeymoon suite after their evening
reception.
Getting undressed the man throws his trousers to his bride and says,
"here, why
not try those on ". She does thinking ooh, he wants to swap roles or
something kinky. Anyway, she gets into the trousers and says, "hey,
look the trousers' don't fit me" to which the husband replies "Yeh,
and don't you forget it. I wear the trousers in this relationship!".
The bride being a smart thinker says to her husband "here, try my
kinky little panties on for me darling". The husband picks up the
panties thinking to himself, hey-hey, the tough approach must be
working. Anyway, he tries his hardest to get these little panties on
but he can't get them past his knees. He says to his wife "There's
just no way I can get into your knickers".... His wife replies, "yes,
and its going to stay that way as long as you've got that
attitude!!!!"
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An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. Shortly afterward, she
told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to now, he gave the secretary
a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how
will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me
a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's
expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew
to Italy. Six months went by and then one day, the attorney's wife called him
at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in
the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The attorney
said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you". Later that
evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with
a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had caused her husband to have a cardiac
arrest, so the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti - Two with meatballs, two without."
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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks" replied the little girl.
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An 92-year-old gentlemen, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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The jumbo jet is just coming into Person Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and f**k her all night." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a shit first!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++=
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question, and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to come to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" And again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes 200 Ping-Pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag on the floor, sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The teacher shouts, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and yells, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday!"
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From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the
Church, labelled "For The Sick", is for monetary donations only.'
From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in
Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's
Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning
case.'
From The Times
'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth,
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."'
From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an
0891 number from an advertisement entitled "Hear Me Moan" the caller
was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do
jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look
into the complaint, saying, "He got what he deserved.
From The Barnsley Chronicle:
'Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips
from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul
Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the
garden, had dialled 999. What Mr Finch did not know was that Mr
Melchett had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open,
had climbed out of rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and
Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.'
From The Scottish Big Issue:
'In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a "My Name
is Henry" convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of
Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. "It was a
lie", explained Mr Pap, "I'm a Henry and always will be.", whereupon
Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and
Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith,
Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire
convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was
eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane."
From The Daily Telegraph in a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000
Pounds to Save Prostitutes":
"... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'
pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We
will be training them for new positions in hotels."
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
"We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated
that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective
in the Police Farce."
From The Guardian:
"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old
Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire
Bank Plc are Fascist Bastards". The Bank has now asked him to close
his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance
by cheque, made out in his new name."
From The Manchester Evening News:
"Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at
Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid
rail ticket."
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Caller: Can you tell me the phone number of the Argoed fish bar in
Cardiff. Operator: I'm sorry there is no listing. Is the spelling
correct?
Caller: Well it used to be called the Bargoed fish bar but the B fell
off.
Caller: Can you tell me the phone number fo the knitwear company in
Woven. Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like a vegetarian surgeon please. Operator: Vegetarian?
Caller: Yes. My dog's ill.
Operator: What's the address?
Caller: I don't know. It was dark when I went.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The Living Room
Caller: The water board please
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters
Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Caridff please Operator:
Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog called Ben
Caller: The union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please Operator: You
mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers.
On another occasion a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told the worried operator "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
There's a Motorway and a Dual Carriageway in a really rough pub
enjoying a
burly pint of cloudy scrumpy to demonstrate just how HARD they are.
The dual carriageway is impressing these pretty little Secondary roads
with
his central reservation and the motorway is showing off about his hard
shoulder and they're getting on really well.
They are just about to take the Secondary Roads "back to their place"
when
a pink piece of tarmac walks in through the door. The motorway and the
dual
carriageway turn white with fear and they dive for cover beneath the
table.
The Secondary Roads are not impressed at all.
The pink tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the bar. The
motorway
and dual carriageway get out from under the table realising that
they've blown it with the Secondary Roads.
The first Secondary Roads
asks the
motorway "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that pink piece
of tarmac walked in - you're supposed to be the king of the roads ?".
The motorway replies "That pink bit of tarmac - he's a fucking
CyclePath!!"
Having
a bad day
Think you're having a bad day?
Read this......
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spilling Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a
killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax
leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight
hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his
arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his
Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand
of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Bloopers
* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Grammar often botches other headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite
from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
There was this little boy
about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when
he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute.. He knocked on the
door, and the madam came to answer it, saw him and asked what he wanted.
He said he wanted what she was selling inside, and had the money to buy
it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. She thought she would have some
fun with him, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to
pick one of the girls he liked; he asked her if any of the girls had any
diseases, and of course the madam said no. He
had heard all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and
get shots after making love with Mable, and that was the girl he wanted,
and that he had the money to pay for it. The madam told him to go upstairs
and go to the first room on the right.
So he headed down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back down still dragging the frog. He paid the madam, and
picked up his wagon and headed out the door, at which time the madam
stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you
must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to
a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter.When they leave,
I am going to make love to the babysitter, and give her the disease I just
caught. When mom and dad get home, dad will take
the babysitter home, and on the way, he will make love to her, and he will
catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, and they will
make love, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work,
the milkman will deliver the milk, and he will make love to mom, and he
will catch it, and he is the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my FROG..
One day a young man and
woman were in their bedroom making love. All
of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady
parted her legs the wasp entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming 'oh my god, help me, theres a bee in my
vagina'.
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said 'Hmm, tricky
situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would
permit'.
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use
whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor
said 'OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis
and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting
closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should
hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina.
The Husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said 'Yes,
Yes, whatever, just get on with it'.
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,
inserted it into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper?.
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began
shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to
quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud 'oh doctor,
doctor' she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like
he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young ladies
breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted
'Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?". The
doctor, still concentrating, replied 'Change of plan, I'm gonna drown
the bastard'.
Two guys are walking through
the woods and come across this
big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...
and wait.
Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face
and says,
"Hey...over here in the
weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss
THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes
from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as
it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished
with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer,
"That couldn't have been MY goat.
My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
On a transatlantic flight,
a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the
plane.
"I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to
be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever
made me really feel like a woman!
Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
Shipwrecked
A young single guy on a cruise ship is having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise,
the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning, but our guy
manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, who had also managed to survive
this far, but she was unconscious and barely breathing.
He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he
manages to get her breathing and conscious again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says,
"My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realises the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by.
Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.
Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man,
and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks.
"We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you.
Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is.
Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says," if it'll help."
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says."
Okay, would you put on my hat now,
and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking
around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.
He sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
A man stumbles up to the
only other patron in the bar and
asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their
drinks.
Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did
you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's
and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down
at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing
much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
GRANDPA
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no trousers on?"
he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.....This was your Grandma's
idea."
Two Jewish lads walking
down the street, find a frog on the pavement.
Hiney picks up the frog and as he does so it starts to speak,
" if you kiss me I will turn in to a beautiful princess "
The lads look at each other in amazement.
Again the frog says " kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess "
Hiney's friend urges him to kiss the frog.
Instead he pauses, and turns to his friend, hold on he says " if I kiss thefrog
I get a beautiful princess" then rubbing his fingers together he says
"but if I don't kiss it I got a talking frog !"
One evening, after attending
the theatre, two gentlemen were walking
down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and
attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the
other and remarked, "I'd give £250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned
around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her flat.
The following morning the man presented her with £125.00 as he
prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you
don't give me the other £125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed,
saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his
lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said "She
can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will
be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a
piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of
shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a
specified length of time for the sum of £250.00. The defendant took
possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for
which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only
£125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask
judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the
balance.
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way
his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore
was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your
honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of
property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of
pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed
his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed
personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was
adequately compensated for the rental of said property.
We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thusly "Your honour, my client agrees
that the defendant did find a well on her property.
However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have
rented
the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant
removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.
In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery,
but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy,
making the property much less desirable to others. We,
therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the £125.00
or have the equipment detached and presented to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a cheque immediately!
THE
PARROT
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with
a
bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change
the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example...
Nothing worked. he yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook
the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a
moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream then
suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was
frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I
believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor
at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"
STUPID
QUESTIONS
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the
following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2."The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3."Were you present when
your picture was taken?"
4.Q:"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere."
5."Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6."Did he kill you?"
7."How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8."You were there until
the time you left, is that true?"
9."How many times have you committed suicide?"
10.Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11.Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12.Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13.Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14.Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15.Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16.Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
Notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17.Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18.Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19.Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20.Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
A Dr. is walking down through
the hall of the hospital toward his
office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while
saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes
around the corner next and he asks him about this.
"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the
hall and saying her rosary to beat the band."
"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant."
"My God, is she?"
"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
